and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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