I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize