dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
