At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
