Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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