Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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