Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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