My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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