Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
