i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
