I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
