"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
