I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
