So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
