You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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