It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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