Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize