I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize