Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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