You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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