Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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