So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
