It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
