how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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