i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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