I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
All the doctor said was why
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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