Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
