the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
