I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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