everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
