I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
