i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
