drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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