It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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