just survived the first fart of the relationship.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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