You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize