I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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