I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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