yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
