that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you didnt know i had herpes?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
