I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
