I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
