There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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