Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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