I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
