shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
