Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
