I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
