totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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