He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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