why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
