toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
