I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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