That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
