Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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