god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
