the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
