I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
