Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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