a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
