I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize