how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How does it feel to date your dad?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
