grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
