so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
