sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
