So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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