Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
